http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/revealed-the-50-funniest-jokes-of-all-time-1073425
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
50 I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."
So I went - and I got it.
49 A seal walks into a club...
48 Went to the corner shop - bought four corners.
47 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
46 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45 I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
43 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.
42 I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
41 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40 I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
39 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone."
38 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
37 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.
36 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."
34 A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
33 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."
31 I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
30 I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite - one jar.
29 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?"
28 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
27 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
24 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
23 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
22 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
21 A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
20 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.
19 I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."
18 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17 When Susan's boyfriend proposed, she said: "I love the simple things in life but I don't want one of them for my husband."
16 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.
15 Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
14 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
13 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."
12 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
11 Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.
10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.
7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5 A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."
3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Find a beer festival near you
http://www.camra.org.uk
and we can see if we can get the UK to the top of the list below
List of countries by alcohol consumption
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_alcohol_consumption
Remembering the Most Uninspiring Olympics Performance Ever
Brilliant Comedian Jim Gaffigan
Celebrity name changes
Cheryl Cole to Cheryl
Snoop Dogg to Snoop Lion
Prince to unpronounceable symbol (then back to Prince)
Katy Hudson to Katy Perry
Lizzie Grant to Lana Del Rey
Puff Daddy to P Diddy
Bear family consumes 100 cans of beer
JARFJORD, Norway, Aug. 9 (UPI) -- A mama bear and her three cubs are suspected of breaking into a cabin in northern Norway and knocking back more than 100 cans of beer, officials said.
"They had a hell of a party in there," cabin owner Even Borthen Nilsen told NRK. "The cabin has the stench of a right old piss up, trash and bears."
The bear family is believed to have ripped a wall off of the cabin to gain entry, The Local.no reported.
"The entire cabin was destroyed," Nilsen told the local Finnmarken.no daily.
"The beds and all kitchen appliances, stove, oven and cupboards and shelves were all smashed to pieces," Nilsen said, adding his mother and grandmother made the discovery when the arrived at the cabin in Jarfjord.
The bears also consumed every morsel in the cabin to include marshmallows, honey and chocolate spread.
Nilsen fears the bears' pay dirt could lead them to return to the area.
"The mother has taken her young there, thus there is no guarantee that it won't happen to other cabins or to our hut again," he said.
Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2012/08/09/Bear-family-consumes-100-cans-of-beer/UPI-11851344542458/#ixzz238dhGSOv
see more This is Photobomb
CONFIRMATION THAT SCIENTISTS ARE PERVERTS
7 Studies That Only Proved That Scientists Are Perverts
Read more: 7 Studies That Only Proved That Scientists Are Perverts | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19961_7-studies-that-only-proved-that-scientists-are-perverts_p2.html#ixzz238bweiN5
#6. Johann Wilhelm Ritter and His Battery
Getty
The invention of the world's first electric battery, the voltaic pile, in 1800 was a monumentally historic event. For the first time, people had captured electricity and were free to study its effects and potential. One of those people was Johann Wilhelm Ritter. However, rather than using it to invent something awesome, such as the light bulb, Ritter used the voltaic pile to apply current to sensitive areas of his body, including his nasal cavity, tongue and eyes, because that was evidently the absolute best idea he could come up with. Clearly, programming Karnov 187 years early would have been the superior idea.
The Perverted Bit:
Determined to follow this line of thought until the bitter end, Ritter decided to electro-blast his yogurt cannon, possibly because he was known to be an eccentric who tap-danced on the borderline of crazy.
He wrapped his dong up in "a cloth moistened with lukewarm milk" (you know, because), then touched a charged wire from the battery onto the cloth. After a bit of a jolt, his penis started to swell. Rather than hurling the cloth out of the window for fear of penile explosion, he kept it firmly applied until he experienced the most terrifying orgasm of all time (we're calling shotgun on that premise so we can pitch it to Stephen King).
We'd call it a page-turner, but honestly, most of them are stuck together.
Showing all the measured reserve of a 10-year-old boy discovering nudity, Ritter began frequently zapping himself, going so far as to jokingly write to his publisher that he intended to marry the voltaic pile (given what we've just learned, we are in no way surprised that actual women were less than excited to have sex with him).
After a while, Ritter began experiencing some nasty side effects, including muscle spasms and paralysis, all over his body (his boner, while arguably his favorite place to electrocute, was by no means the only area of his anatomy that he attached to the battery). Rather than discontinue his "experiments," which by this point seemed to have no higher academic pursuit beyond trying to turn himself into a Spider-Man villain, Ritter would self-medicate with opium to keep the discomfort at bay, leaving him free to play with his masturbattery until the end of time. Or at least until he died at 33 from tuberculosis augmented by a deteriorating physical frailty, which a regime of drug use and constant electric shocks certainly did nothing to help.
Read more: 7 Studies That Only Proved That Scientists Are Perverts | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19961_7-studies-that-only-proved-that-scientists-are-perverts.html#ixzz238cgrgxq
Odd facts about the olmypics
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19047586
see more This is Photobomb
http://www.football365.com/mediawatch/7970331/Mediawatch
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Nothing says "I love you" more than a Valentine's Day card made from pulped elephant faeces. Card maker Vijender Shekhawat is hoping his unique format of romantic missive will take the market by storm. His company Haathi Chaap (Elephant Stamp) plans to process 30 tons of dung every month to make a special paper from the grass and leaf fibres that pass through the elephants' system without being digested. The pulp produces a high quality, unique paper which can be used for any style of greeting card.
"Elephants' gastrointestinal tract cannot digest fibres well. About 40 per cent of everything goes through untouched but softened and pre-pulped. "As a result, their dung makes fantastic paper when it is pressed and processed," explains Vijender. Crucially for the potential buyers and receivers the cards do not smell. "People always worry about the smell, but believe me the cards smell as sweet as any other Valentine's Day cards on the market," added Vijender' -Orange.
see more This is Photobomb
http://www.football365.com/mediawatch/7973293/Mediawatch
Non-Football Story Of The Day
A US teen has been forced to apologise to his fellow passengers after cutting in line while boarding a flight. Mac Breedlove was flying on Southwest Airlines with his lacrosse team when he tried to board the plane early by cutting in the early-boarding line. However, the eagle-eyed coaches travelling with the team spotted him and made him apologise to his fellow flyers over the PA system. In a video obtained by CBS News, the teen can be heard saying 'oh come on' before his coach made him read out a scripted apology.
'During the boarding process, I took advantage of this airline's kindness,' Breedlove read. 'I hope you will all find it in your hearts to forgive me, for I am just a young man that thinks I'm smarter than I am. Enjoy your flight, and remember to fly Southwest, because they let my coach do this to me.'
And while commentators' views on whether or not the punishment was too severe differ, it seems that Mac saw the funny side as he has posted a link to the story on his Twitter feed' -Metro.
see more This is Photobomb
Edit Google Maps!
I didn't know this but you can edit google maps and add in shops, pubs, restaurants etc. So make sure you local area is up to date.
see more This is Photobomb
Amusing sign on Google Maps
https://maps.google.co.uk/maps?q=fanny+hands+lane&hl=en&ll=53.383295,-0.204765&spn=0.000981,0.00284&sll=52.8382,-2.327815&sspn=8.139296,23.269043&t=h&hnear=Fanny+Hands+Ln&z=19&layer=c&cbll=53.383372,-0.204851&panoid=eZp0SkPQzQ7OiVgps-bs7g&cbp=12,214.31,,0,22.52
a new comedian I found this week Louis CK - Hilarious - Part 7 - The Way We Talk
Can You Fake Mental Illness?
How forensic psychologists can tell whether someone is malingering
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2012/08/faking_insanity_forensic_psychologists_detect_signs_of_malingering_.html
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Stressed men drawn to heavy women
When placed under stressful situations, men rate larger women as more attractive, new research has shown.
British researchers found that men exposed to tasks that were designed to put them under pressure preferred a wider range of female body sizes.
read the whole article here
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-19180983
Plane crash from inside the cockpit
start watching from about 2.44
Olympic opening was 'secret Satanic ritual'
Former footballer turned TV host David Icke claims the London 2012 opening ceremony was a secret Satanic ritual.
http://oran.ge/QhRaJD
Former footballer turned TV host David Icke claims the London 2012 opening ceremony was a secret Satanic ritual.
The ex-Coventry City goalkeeper and snooker host shocked Britain in 1991 when he announced he was the son of God and predicting that the world would end in 1997.
Now he has resurfaced to insist that Danny Boyle's spectacular was a "mass satanic ritual disguised as a celebration of Britain and sport".
Writing on website TheTruthIsNow.com, Icke - a key BBC presenter during the 1988 Olympics - claimed the giant bell rung by cyclist Bradley Wiggins during the ceremony was tuned to a frequency which could be heard by a group of Satanists who secretly rule the world.
Icke believes the devil-worshippers are shape-shifting lizards who are descended from a reptile race from the Drago constellation.
He explained: "The opening and closing ceremonies of the London Olympics are mass satanic rituals disguised as a celebration of Britain and sport.
"Their medium is the language of symbolism... The Olympic Stadium is also strategically placed on the earth-energy grid to tap into that power on the Global Cabal's own satanic frequencies or vibrations.
"The enormous Olympic bell, the biggest harmonically-tuned bell in the world made specially for the opening ceremony, is designed to dictate that frequency right at the start."
And on his own website, DavidIcke.com, he called the Opening Ceremony which delighted billions across the globe a "vile, inhumane Satanic ritual" which was held on a key day in the devil-worship calendar.
Icke has sold thousands of books claiming "humanity is actually under the control of dinosaur-like alien reptiles called the Babylon Brotherhood who must consume human blood to maintain their human appearance".
Golden Saturday
Football strip
Sun-day league footballer Rafi Bohl's team number has made a lasting impression on him - after he burned it into his skin during a massive sunbathing session.
http://oran.ge/QAgzyj
Sun-day league footballer Rafi Bohl's team number has made a lasting impression on him - after he burned it into his skin during a massive sunbathing session.
Rafi, 27 - from Thurgau, Switzerland - used gaffa tape to put '15' on his chest and then sat out in the Majorca sun for a whole day until the number had been branded onto his skin.
"It's my football team number so if I every forget my shirt, I'm sorted," he said.
Pal Reto Junker, 26 - who branded "Sc***ing 69' on his back and bottom - added: "We could hardly sit down afterwards."
Dad makes rollercoster
Sex doll relaxes speeders
A blow-up sex doll is being used as a new form of traffic calming measure in China.
http://oran.ge/Q2FTZH
A blow-up sex doll is being used as a new form of traffic calming measure in China.
Annoyed that local police were not catching speeding motorists outside her home in Ningbo, Lin Chen took matters into her own hands.
The 67-year-old bought a blow up sex doll and dressed in sexy red underwear to make motorists slow down to get a better look.
"There are a set of traffic lights near my house and the cars just shoot through them as fast as they can. It's very dangerous," explained Chen.
"The police aren't interested so I bought this doll and tied it to the tree.
"I thought that drivers would slow down if I could give them something worth looking it," she added.
Police admit that accident figures have dropped since Chen made the dummy.
"It isn't a method we would use, but we can't say it isn't working," said a spokesman.
http://www.dailytorygraph.com/2012/08/07/golden-saturday/img_0264/
5 Simple Things That Every Bad Cook Does Wrong
Read more: 5 Simple Things That Every Bad Cook Does Wrong | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-simple-things-that-every-bad-cook-does-wrong/#ixzz238atSpmn
http://cheezburger.com/6491229184
http://cheezburger.com/6489002752
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